August 4th, 2009
f I had to single out one hallmark of bad writing, it’s a tendency to sprinkle adverbs on otherwise decent prose, especially in passages of dialogue. It’s a habit that lots of romantic novelists and chick-lit writers have got into, and I hate it.
Copywriters aren’t immune from the disease. I often have to edit down work that has been overwritten in this way. These are two unedited phrases that recently landed on my desk.
No, I can’t inflict them on you. Just believe me that the writer made the fatal trick of trying to add an emotional gloss to the speakers’ words, and did it awkwardly. He invested the dialogue with a lofty importance it doesn’t deserve. And it made me feel sick.
Good dialogue
I think the best way to get dialogue right is to apply the ‘shopping list’ test to it. In other words, is the dialogue carved out approprately to the situation?
This is the right way to do it:
“What else do we need from the supermarket?” John asked Mary.
“Peas.”
“Anything else?”
“Maybe some butter. Oh, and milk. We’ve nearly run out.”
“Okay. Peas. Butter. Milk. What about some chocolate cake?”
“Great idea. Stick that on the list too.”
Poor dialogue
This is the wrong way to do it.
“What else do we need from the supermarket?” John asked Mary, a gluttonous twinkle in his eye.
“Peas,” said Mary, salivating elegantly as she pondered those little, green orbs.
“Anything else?” responded John, with eager anticipation.
“Maybe some butter,” Mary riposted, knowing full well that dairy products could whip John into a frenzy. “Oh, and milk. We’ve nearly run out.”
“Okay. Peas. Butter. Milk.” John paused for dramatic effect, then added. “What about some chocolate cake?”
Mary licked her lips, savouring the chocolate that would soon rim them. “Great idea. Stick that on the list too.”
Oh hell. Now I’ve made myself laugh. I’ll come back to this one.
What do you think are the hallmarks of good dialogue?
10:40 am. Filed under: copywriting.
Author: Ben Locker.
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Tags: copywriting, dialogue, writing, writing tips
7 Responses to “A tip for writing dialogue”
Hmm… I can see that the top ‘correct’ version represents ‘good dialogue’ although the second is far more interesting and dramatic. I know which I would rather read, good or not. I also have a hankering for chocolate cake now… she said wantonly!
I know. I prefer the second one too. Completely shot myself in the foot…
“Mary licked her lips, savouring the chocolate that would soon rim them.” Dude. You made me spew milk from my nose with that one.
Anyway…
Speaking from an advertising point of view, if you’re gonna write dialogue for a spot, please make it believable in the context. Yes,the client wants to say a whole bunch of stuff that no-one but his shareholders care about, but no-one in the real world cares about “the synergy of best practices leveraged with tried-and-tested methodologies…”
Jesus wept.
And if you can’t get away with assassinating the corporate line, at least try to make the setup believable. I have yet to hear of a real-esate agent who walks into a house and says, “Hi. Welcome to your new clean home.” Moreover, I have yet to hear a real person respond thus, “Thanks. It may look clean but there may be hidden germs and bacteria.” And yes, that’s an extract from an actual commercial.
Great blog-post. I have to go now and drip-dry my keyboard and monitor.
I was a bit naughty with that chocolate reference, it’s true…
Couldnt agree more with making the setup believable. I’ve just done jury service, and one remark by the defence lawyer stuck in my mind.
“You don’t just turn up at your mother’s house, your face battered and bruised, and say ‘Hi Mum. It’s 9.30am and I’m home.’”
Oh I SAY – this is a thing of wonder and loveliness! No wonder you have been far too busy to come have a fry-up at Leo’s! Now, I must read your post.
Actually, put me off chocolate cake a bit, there… well done!
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